What lies beneath

While I was in New York I chatted with Joe on MSN for a few minutes. Even in this short conversation he managed to bring up the word 'marriage' which made me start worrying again about being used. There were enough motives for him to want me, and the fact that he didn't want to have sex wasn't very reassuring either. True, we had had mutual oral sex on the second date, and at some point he fucked me with a dildo, but besides that we didn't have any sex other than heavy petting.

When I returned from New York last Sunday morning he was too tired to come over. I didn't understand why he chose to surf the internet until midnight instead of travelling for ten minutes and see me after us being apart for a week. Something wasn't right. I told Sam, but he said I was making something out of nothing. And he may well be right: among all the red flags, the fact that Joe didn't come over was not really an important sign. I worried nonetheless: so much that it hurt in my stomach. I tried to analyse the situation by explaining Joe's behaviour for myself but it was too confusing.

I decided to write a post about all the signals and what I made of it -- in my previous post I already announced that I'd write a post that I needed your feedback on. However, too much happened in the meantime, and I don't want to bore my readers with uninteresting stuff.

When he came over on Monday, I told him that I was confused by his mixed messages, and he said he was just being honest with me. In fact, that may just be it. I think that subconsciously I prefer complicated guys for they are more interesting. Unfortunately, complicated people are also more... complicated.

I decided to be clearer than ever with him. I told him that I didn't want to make any long-term plans yet, because we only knew each other for such a short time, but that I would love to go abroad together for a long weekend. I asked him why he was mentioning marriage so often, and he responded, "So I can divorce you after a week and become the owner of half of this apartment." He ridiculed me, and indeed I might be embarrassingly distrusting.

I still wanted to know why he wanted to rush everything so much and in bed I asked him bluntly, "Joe, tell me, what is it that you are so afraid of?" I didn't expect him to answer that question seriously, or at all, so imagine my surprise when he said, "Being alone..." For a few seconds I didn't know what to say. "I'm in a country far away from my family, and I know no one here," he added. "That's not true," I said, "you've got some friends living here. And you've got me..." He said, "Within two months you will be bored with me, just like the others. They always go 'Oh, Joe, you're so cute; Joe, you're so nice', but when after two months they are suddenly not interested anymore." I told him I was not like that and reminded him that I had had only two boyfriends, one for more than two years and one for eight years. I added that pushing me to hurry things was counter-effective.

He seems really honest and sweet, and he's so damn attractive. I do have some reservations but after I promised myself not to give him any money, my house key, or a wedding ring for at least the rest of the calendar year, the only thing that could happen was me getting hurt. I believe that taking risk is necessary if one wants to find real love. I have decided to squelch my doubts and just go for it, but I will keep the three promises I made myself. A true love has to be worth the risk of failure. I would never forgive myself if I fucked this up.