Love in the fast lane [2 of 2]

This is a story about pain, betrayal, revenge, loss and a profound turning point in my life. I'm more than content with the end results -- I’ll tell that another time -- but I still wonder how I must look to an outsider learning what I did. However, when I started blogging I knew I would have to 'strip naked' for those who cared to follow. It's the only time in my life that I consiously hurt someone.

In the three months after break-up up with Ralph (see On the floor [2 of 2]) I hadn’t dated anyone. I did have sex once, with a female friend who invited me into her bed when I slept at her place. She knew I was gay, but had a crush on me. When I met Matthew I wasn’t over Ralph at all (see Love in the fast lane [1 of 2]). That became painfully evident when, at some point in the first few weeks, I moaned, “Oh, Rrrr... Matthew.”

Before we knew it, Matthew and I lived together and became financial and legal partners. After he moved in with me, our sex life gradually went from quite good to very bad. Six months in, I was not allowed to fuck him anymore and after a year he stopped kissing. In the end he didn’t want to have sex at all, and didn’t want to get professional help (see The skilled liar).


Two close friends

During the last year before the break-up, Matthew suddenly had two close friends. Fitness buddy Dylan was openly gay; his overt effeminacy proclaims it. My husband and his new friend were not only fitness buddies, but also went to gay clubs together many weekends. Dylan made fun of me to Matthew and loved making me jealous. Not only me: his boyfriend left him after eleven years because he was convinced Dylan was cheating on him with my Matthew.

The other friend was kind of a mystery (see The skilled liar). Matthew lied a lot about him to me, but I recognized obvious truths scattered among and beneath the lies. This friend was married with children and had told Matthew he was possibly bisexual. Matthew didn’t know where he worked or lived because the guy carpooled with Matthew from a car park near his home to one near his work. They exchanged text messages all the time and frequently Matthew left home in the middle of the night to take the fellow to a hamburger restaurant to talk about his bisexuality. I was convinced that they had sex in the car. When I told my parents about the midnight meetings, my mother responded, “Are you really so blind that you don’t see they’re doing a lot more?”

I pressed Matthew to bring the guy over so I could meet him. If they were such close friends, I said I would like to get to know the guy. Of course, the guy didn’t dare coming over; he was afraid to meet the unsuspecting husband of his fuck buddy. Matthew did show me a picture of him though. The guy was Indonesian, very cute, and almost ten years younger than Matthew. We later learned that his real name was Joey.

In the last year Matthew lied to me so much that he couldn’t keep track of the lies he had told. His solution was to stop communicating with me altogether. He only said the necessary things. If I asked him a question he would think for a few seconds before he answered. I started feeling very unhappy and then very badly. I’ve always been very healthy and hadn’t seen my family doctor for fifteen years. However, this year I saw her several times with stress related illnesses. Among other things I had terrible stomach pains which the doctor feared could be caused by an ulcer. I have felt perfectly healthy since the break up.


Hard to swallow

In September 2007, Matthew showed me a pill he wanted me to swallow. After some more lies that I refused to believe, he admitted that he had cheated on me once with a perfect stranger. Now, he thought he had an STD and we might keep infecting one another if I didn’t take the pill. I told him I had to think whether I wanted to leave him or not, and that I needed some time. The truth is that I had already decided first to get over him and then to divorce him: I wanted to keep a clear head during the break-up.

In November, when I was abroad, I wanted proof of his cheating. I created a fake MSN profile and used that invention to chat with him. He told my alter ego that he preferred regular sex partners, and that he had had about thirty in the last three year. He added that he had two boyfriends, a blond guy and an Indonesian one. He was very afraid to lose his blond boyfriend whom he loved very much. I recorded him getting naked and hard on the web cam (see Marc’s discovery). I chatted with him like this for four days. On Wednesday I telephoned him, because it was our eight-year anniversary. In that conversation I told him I really wanted to meet Joey, since they would drive past the airport coming home from work, they could easily pick me up together.

My alter ego had already told Matthew in the chat session that he should let his boyfriends meet in order to avoid suspicion. Falling for my scheme, Matthew told Joey that if they wanted to keep seeing each other, it was necessary for him to meet me, pretending that the two of them simply had a normal friendship. From Matthew's perspective, picking me up from the airport with Joey in the car ensured that the meeting would be brief: Joey could be dropped off at home almost as soon as we met.

My original plan had been was to confront Matthew right after we had dropped off Joey. However, the night before my return, lying in my hotel bed, I could not stop tormenting myself with what Matthew had done to me. He had cheated on me for three years, had made me feel bad about not trusting him, had sabotaged any contact with my old friends, had denied me a normal sex life, had actively made me feel bad about my looks, and had boasted about his adultery to random queers he met on the internet. It became clear that Matthew was the cause of my health problems. And suddenly, I could not shake the awful conviction that the main reason he had married me was my money. Certainly, it mattered to him more than me and he spent it faster than I did.

I grew more and more angry with the realization that Matthew had known what he was doing to me, that his only response to my distress was pure denial. On the way to the airport I fabricated a plan of revenge. Wise men would claim afterward that it didn’t give the satisfaction they had hoped for: that makes me a fool.


Friday/Saturday

On the plane I wrote my cell phone number and my email address down on a small piece of paper. My husband and his buddy picked me up and I finally met Joey who, no question, did look hot. While Matthew paid for parking, I drew Joey aside, just far enough for Matthew to look for us in the wrong place giving me about ten minutes alone with Joey and my plan. I set out to shock him with a serious suggestion. I said, “I think besides being a friend, Matthew is very hot for you; I know him well enough to notice that. As you know, we have a monogamous relationship, but I want to do Matthew a favour after eight years: my suggestion is a threesome with you, if you like both of us. It’ll be a great first time for you. I don’t need your answer right away, but please call or email me before eight o’ clock this evening. I’d prefer to do it tonight. I want it to be an anniversary surprise for him, so don’t tell him.” Then I handed him the note with my contact details. His expression, just before his hands covered his face, showed a combination of shock, excitement and confusion but his eyes confirmed what I had assumed: he really did want that threesome. I later learned that he had fantasized about it often in the last months. Now he had to decide what to do within two hours, and he was at sea. He couldn’t consult with Matthew privately until after my eight o' clock deadline.

I hadn’t had proper sex in years and wanted to have a last hot round with Matthew -- a first-rate farewell fuck. Joey was a very hot add-on, someone whose presence would spur Matthew do his best. Moreover, it was a good way to get back on Matthew. He’d be very jealous, and paranoid enough to worry about Joey and me having sex behind his back. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. My final reason for setting up the threesome, was that Matthew’s remarks about my looks had lowered my self-esteem so much that I didn’t expect to find a sex partner for months after the break-up. This might be my last sex for a long time.

Once Matthew and I were home, Joey called me to say that he just didn’t know what to do. It was clear that he wanted Matthew’s approval before he said ‘yes’. I told him I’d go outside so we could talk more freely and that he should call me back in five minutes. I went outside and he did exactly what I hoped he would do: he seized the window of private time to call Matthew. Twenty minutes later, he called me and repeated the obviously worked over line, “I feared that maybe I was bisexual, but I know now that I’m straight. I don’t want to have sex with men, and least of all with Matthew. He’s just a friend and it would feel weird to him.” I accepted it. I knew I had to let it rest for now.

I came back inside, sat down and told Matthew what he already knew from Joey, namely that I had planned a surprise but that Joey said ‘no’ to a threesome. Matthew started crying loudly, “How could you do that. He’s one of my best friends; what will he think of me?” I said I now understood it was a bad idea and apologized. Later in bed I told him that while I was away, I worried about him cheating on me. He got angry about my distrust, and said something he always said when he was angry, “Maybe it’s better if we break up.”

This time I responded, “I think you’re right. Let’s do that.” People who know me know that I never bluff, and so did Matthew. He asked if I meant it, and I confirmed. Now suddenly his tears were real; he got out of bed to be alone, but I could hear him crying for over an hour. He came to bed again and asked: “You are not going to change this decision, are you?” I said, “No.” Then he said he had something to tell me and repeated everything he had told my alter ego during the internet chats -- except about Joey. He insisted that Joey was just a friend. I could see that it was a big relief for him to have told me all this. Somehow, by now, the anger which had driven me was mostly gone. I listened to him in a very understanding way. I was able to do so, because I was already pretty much over him, and because I already knew everything.

He then told me of the curious encounter in the last week with a kid who turned out to be a former pupil of mine (see Marc’s discovery). I had actually planned to keep the alter ego alive so that Matthew would share his real thoughts during the divorce -- including possible dirty tricks. However, Matthew’s openness was real and so I decided to drop the alter ego. I said: “I have something to admit too: the seventeen-year-old kid, that’s me.” Matthew laughed and complimented me. We cuddled, I comforted him, and we went to sleep.


Saturday/Sunday

The next morning Matthew said that the years of lying to me had really drained his energy and that his response to my decision to leave him was a resolution to follow my example and always be honest. The only thing that he had tried to hide from me the day before was the fact that he and Joey where much more than just friends. Of course, he realized that he had told my alter ego, so he really had no secrets left. He told me that I was right to break up with him, because he would always keep cheating on me, and that I deserved better. I was glad that he had said this, but I wasn’t finished with him -- little did he know.

Now that we were single again, we needed new house rules. We’d keep sharing the bed since we didn’t have any sex anyway. Matthew legislated that we were allowed to bring someone home and sleep with that person, as long as it was not in our bed but on an inflatable bed in the guestroom. It was clear that he assumed he’d be the one profiting from that rule. I objected, he tried to convince me and still thinking it was a bad idea, I agreed to the rule.

In some ways things greatly improved. When we went shopping together, we had more fun together than we had in months. That night I wanted to go out, but Matthew was too tired from all the emotions. Instead I called Edward, my only gay friend, and went out with him to a gay bar (see No Reply). I didn’t bring my house keys as Matthew insisted on giving me a ride back home. I only had to call him.

At the last gay bar where I went with Edward, with my self-esteem as low as it could be, I decided I could use some practice in picking up guys. I chose the most gorgeous boy I had seen that evening, and tried to interest him. Since he was completely out of my league, I knew in advance I would fail. Therefore I wasn’t nervous at all.

The breathtaking twenty-year-old Latino tourist was standing at the bar. I talked with him about three minutes and then asked if he’d like to spend the night with me. He answered that he very much wanted that, but he was staying with a friend and couldn’t bring anyone back there. There was no way that after years of bad sex I would let this opportunity slip through my fingers. I suddenly remembered what Matthew had said about bringing guys home. I called home and said I would have company that night and we would sleep in the guestroom, that we’d take a cab, but that I had forgotten my keys.

I paid the cab driver and rang the doorbell. Matthew opened the door downstairs electronically, and left our front door upstairs ajar. On the door of the guestroom was a piece of paper that said:
- I’ve put the inflatable bed in the room
- There are condoms on the desk: USE PROTECTION!
- I don’t want to see or hear him
- I’m going away tomorrow morning; I want him gone before noon.
- In case you’re wondering: NO, I DON’T WANT A THREESOME!


Sunday-Tuesday

I had a great night with the Latino, and drove him home early in the afternoon. When Matthew came home he was very emotional. He was angry with me for bringing this guy home, but he tried not to express it. Instead, he cancelled his new house rule. Obviously, he had never expected that I would be the one to act upon it. He told me that he had seen the guy on the video intercom when opening the door downstairs, and that the fact that such a gorgeous guy wanted me, made me very desirable. Matthew was hot for me suddenly, and that night we had great sex. It was the first satisfying sex we had had in months.

Now that he didn’t have to lie to me, we really reconnected. It was a good thing I had gotten over him, otherwise I might even have considered taking him back. Initially, he had tried to hide his affair with Joey, but when he found out I knew that too, he had no secrets for me anymore. Being an honest guy now, he needed to tell Joey that I knew about them. Joey was terrified that I would take revenge and destroy his life by outing him, but at the same time he realized that I had known it all along when inviting him for a threesome. He regretted not having taken that offer. In fact, ever since Matthew had shown him a picture of me, he’d been fantasizing about a threesome with the two of us. He had shared these thoughts with Matthew at the time, and Matthew had fantasized along with Joey, knowing it would never happen for real.


Wednesday/Thursday

Joey's fears brought out my compassion. I could understand his situation: being married with children, very religious, part of a homophobic subculture and then finding out you are gay. I had Matthew invite him over so I could talk with him on Wednesday evening. When he arrived he was extremely nervous. He sat down and I told him that I was not at all mad at him, but that it was Matthew who had betrayed my trust, not he. There was no reason to mess up his life, I certainly did not want his wife and kids to be in the line of fire. It was none of my business that he was cheating on his wife. He wanted to get Matthew and me back together, because he felt he was the cause of our break-up, but I explained he really wasn’t. Matthew’s new lifestyle, fucking around, was.

He spoke a bit about the Friday that I suggested having a threesome and how he experienced that. I told him I had enjoyed the confusion that it caused for both him and Matthew, but actually hoped we would end up in bed together that evening. His expression told me he still wanted to do it.

We brought him home and got back. On Matthew’s MSN Joey kept going on about the threesome. He begged him to ask me if I still wanted it, but Matthew didn’t want to share Joey with anyone. I didn’t know what they were chatting about, but after about an hour I remarked to Matthew that I still think it was a pity the threesome never took place. This was the last straw that broke Matthew’s will. He told me that he’d do the two people he loved most, Joey and me, a favour. His only demand was that I wear a condom when getting sucked, as I had told him I didn’t wear one when the Latino guy blew me. He took the car and went to pick up Joey. After four hours Matthew called and said that he just couldn’t do it.

I waited up until Matthew got home, went to bed and Matthew did something he never did: he got on top of me and kissed me passionately. We were both naked and playing with each other’s cocks when suddenly Joey walked in with a smug smile, wearing only boxers. Matthew had brought him after all, and he had hidden in the bathroom. He joined us and I made sure that at all times jealous Matthew was the centre of attention, just by physically positioning him between Joey and me. However, he didn’t enjoy it much and lay on the side of the bed. Joey and started kissing and I sucked his hard cock. There was a lot of chemistry going on and Matthew walked away saying, “I can’t do this.” Later he told us he went to the bathroom to vomit. Joey wanted to go on with me alone, but I told him that it wouldn’t be right to do so. With tears in his eyes, Matthew took Joey home; I felt no pity for Matthew.

The next day, Matthew told me he couldn’t have sex with either of us anymore. He couldn’t erase the mental image of Joey and me being hot for one another, kissing and sucking. Matthew got depressed and didn’t want to talk with anyone, least of all with Joey and me. This was the ultimate revenge. I had taken away the joy he had with his fuck buddy and at the same time I severed the sexual relationship with my ex.