For the last three months I had met up with Jake only once (see Cruising), whereas before that we went out together very regularly. I think it's because he suddenly had a boyfriend. We still chatted on MSN every now and then, but I really missed seeing him in real life. A week ago he told me in an MSN conversation that he was going to break up with his boyfriend and we discussed in detail how and why. Two days later they broke up.On Friday morning when I was just back from my motorcycle trip (see It's a little bit funny) I saw Jake online and suggested that we go out during the weekend. He replied that he would have some fellow students over that day, and had parties all weekend. In the afternoon we had another short chat and he told me he wanted to show me his new garden and see my new motorcycle, but that the girls would arrive in about an hour. I love riding my bike, so I offered to briefly visit him before that. The last five hundred feet took me fifty minutes because there was a crime scene investigation going on in front of Jake's trailer camp. When I finally arrived he casually told me that someone had just been shot dead there. In ten minutes the girls arrived and I left.
In the evening I went out with Ned and took a guy home from a bar (see Barely legal). I had done that only once before, but then I was much more selective (see Love in the fast lane [2 of 2]); Ned kept teasing me about the bad choice I had made this time, but he admitted it was partially envy that drove his mocking. He told me repeatedly that it he were single he would want me, and that he constantly has to stop himself from touching me. That's certainly flattering. He shouldn't have to worry though: he's not my type anyway.
I slept a bit during the day and spent Saturday night chatting at Nadim's place. Ever since I told him a romantic relationship between us just wouldn't work, my Iraqi friend just aims for friendship. However, every now and then he reminds me that I'm Mr. Right for him. I choose to ignore there remarks.
On Sunday afternoon I slept a bit and then suddenly Didier (see Friendly cuddles) addressed me online after almost seven months of silence. We had a short chat and I asked if he wanted to drink something in the city, and so we went there. I didn't make much of an effort to look good because I expected a quiet night in town, but it was really crowded because of the nice weather. Nevertheless, I left around midnight.
On Tuesday morning I had another chat with Jake on MSN and invited myself over. He said he was a bit busy cleaning up the mess from all the parties, but that I was welcome after four in the afternoon. Moreover, he urged me to come by bicycle instead of my motorbike. And so I arrived around five on my rusty old bike. We sat in the garden and chatted for six hours while he made each of us seven great cocktails.
For some reason, ever since Jake realised I was ten years older than he, he seems to have suppressed the memory that half a year ago, we were regularly dating. When he sums up the interesting guys he's dated, he somehow leaves me out. On the other hand, when describing people, he often uses me as a reference: one guy is not as intelligent as me, an other one is not as slim as me. He tells me that I'm one of his best-looking friends and that I have beautiful eyes.
When he was single I always slept in his bed after going out, and often we ended up having sex. That is never mentioned by either of us though. I think he likes me a lot even though there are a few things of me that annoy him, but that my age is a psychological boundary for him. And when he wants sex with me, he makes sure I've been drinking enough that I will take the initiative in a bit of sexual teasing which will lead to sex. He knows exactly what he's doing.
This evening even after seven cocktails I didn't dare take the initiative. I certainly wanted sex with him, and I was almost sure that he wanted it too. In fact, looking at his expression I suspected that lust was the main reason he had been pouring alcohol into me. However, if I were wrong I might lose him as a friend... Even if I were right, I wasn't sure if it would be wise for me to make a move on him the first evening we were spending together in a long time, particularly just after he had broken up with his boyfriend. And so I went back home at eleven, glad that I hadn't come by motorbike. But of course, Jake had been planning all along to get me too drunk to be able to drive home.
So what do I want? I don't know. He's the only guy around whom I stutter and stumble. I think I would want to try if we could be a couple, but I honestly don't believe it'll work -- from either side. Then I might lose him as a friend and that I certainly don't want to happen. Still, I can dream. I secretly hope that sometime soon we end up in bed again...











